Extrando a Javier

So the weirdest thing happened last night. I was watching Joel Olsteen and as all his moving sermons, this one gave me a closer sense of god. It was talking about how god's hand is always reached out to us.. how we have to extend our hands in faith and his mighty acts of power will help us through. So i did as he had suggest last night before i went to bed and i extended out my hand, i had "Lord i'm extended out my hand to you , protect Javier, make him see whats right and help him to fight this addiction..." Then i do my usual pray routine and I start to fall asleep... then Javier calls me... : "Hi babe, sorry i didn't call you last night i was really tired [from the drive from seattle].." ....

He was really hyper last nigth maybe a little drunk from his sleeping pills... he asked to talk to the baby and so i put the phone to my pansa and cause he has one of those headphone things it was super loud..i could hear him saying "Alanzo...hi baby.. i love you baby.." lol that's the real Javier.... not the drugged out..retarded Javier.. last night for the first time in a long time... when we talked it was like old times... he said he was gonna talk to Chano and see what he had to do to get his job back...

Idk but he was a dork on the phone the whole time.. calling me "hunnie Bunnie.."lol and telling his sister to hug him so he could feel like he was hugging me... lol pretty much being his annoying self ... that i love...

After awhile his medicine sunk in and he started falling asleep and i told him i was gonna go he said "I love you babe." and I said it back ... then again he said "I love you mija.." and i said it back... he said "Give me a kiss" So i kissed the phone and said good night... and i went to bed so fucking happy... i miss him soo much...

Even the other day some fool has been trying to hit on me... i told him i love javier and that i didnt know what was goin on but he needed to know that i loved this person but we could be friends. lol then i ask him what he does for fun...

hunting fishing dancing snowboarding... lol i thought how gay...but really i guess thats manly but nothing like Javier likes.... ya lo se k mi novio es tan fresa pero por eso lo quiero... we are exactly a like and though that causes us to bump heads it also makes us BFF's... we both like shopping, dressing up, going out to eat, watching movies, being social, somos chismosos.... i dnt think i would ever want anyone else in my life... asi lo quiero mi fresito..

letter to j

what i can't say to him.

Javier,
I don;t know what to say to you right now. All those times i would yell and say "if your friends are so fucking important to you go fucking live with them" you would always stay with me, and now you have taking all your stuff and our down in the fucking dumps, living day to day for crack. Where and when will this addiction stop. When will the person i fell in love with come back to reality. Will we ever be able to fullfill the dreams you promised me.

I wish you wouldn't blame me for the things YOUR ADDICTION have made you loose. How can you not think about me or your son that is living inside of me. I have only a month left before he arrives and you have left me when i indeed need you the most. Hating you doesn't make this situation any better because at the end of the day i still love you, and this all hurts so god damn much. It's like you've died, and the last week thats honestly what you looked like, dead... the drugs have taken over you.
I love you so much it hurts to think what you are doing right now, if you've found someone else, if you hate me, or if your addiction has even convinced you that you are worthless.... that you are not... you have to get up and get help... you have to keep fighting and i will spend the rest of my life praying that god can get through to you.... i love you so much and i know it's the only way you will get better. As for me.... i need help to push foward and maybe these letters are the only way.

Hurt

I knew it would come to this...but i wasn't prepared. My head was strong on letting you go...but my heart has never been weaker. See the last month Javier has gotten himself into some real deep shit with this drug abuse. Finally its came to him losing his job and yesterday when i got off work he had taking all his things from the apartment and left me with nothing but a text message saying : "I lost my job sorry im leaving." And like that he was gone, and just like that my heart began to feel ten thousand different emotions.

I hate him for leaving me like that. I should of went n stayed with my mom but el tonta corazon estava pensando ke el iba a regressar pa abrazarme one last time. I hate him because he left me like that for people who will never care for him the way i do. I hate he can't see the self disctruction he's caused to himself and that he can't be a man and overcome it.

But i'm sad, my heart hurts so bad... nunka he tenido el corazon tan quebrado. No se como seguir adelante sin el a mi lado. How am i gonna tell my son that his dad isn't here, how do i do it alone... and how do u forget someone you've gave your whole heart to. How do forget that they ever existed or how do you feel the emptiness.

I don't know how to go on alone but i know its possible.... i keep hearing the song play over in my head ..."ke dios me llevantara". I know everything is possible through god... i am just so hurt that all my dreams have been flushed down the drain and that everynight i will stay up waiting to here him come through the door. Everymorning i will wake up thinking i will see him lying on the couch and he won't be here. I will never feel his touch on my skin or have his arms wrap around me. Those little and few moments of happiness were not enough for me.... why did the devil do this to me... why did he take the person i love the most... when will i be able to forget this...

You Can Never Hate Someone Without Loving Them First

sometimes its so difficult being me.. constantly arguing my head with my heart..

he's left a little coke baggy in the house filled with what i'm assuming is laced marijuana...

I want to call the cops.... i want to trust them... I want to tell them to take him out of my life... but then .... i don't

But then i think.... damn how will i deliver this little boy into the world without him... How will I explain to my grandparents what's been going on the last years... how will I explain to the world how i have lived with this... b/c its not me...

on the outside i try to act tough.. prepare myself for nights like this... even to his face pretend like i don't care... but i'm crying right now... i obviously care....

I can't make my fingers dial the number, no less than i can convince my heart to leave him... does that make me weak... god please help me...

Pissed off asi como siempre

So... i'm pretty sure I hate him....ya i hate him.... But why do you ask... hmm well besides my other entries what more do i need to convince you... okay though... he just pisses me off... Why must i keep trying with him...i know he is a permanent fuck up.... sometimes i just have all these thoughts in my head like... "wtf does he give u or your son that some other man couldn't?" Honestly since i have been pregnant wtf has he done for me or my son?? Spend his money to get high on coke or mary or stay out and not come home all night... really and im sure he is cheating on me which wouldn't suprise me... at all!! Anyways ... he hasn't bought my son one damn thing, in fact all he has done was brought to my son the same thing he has brought upon me...::: PAIN::::

For some reason i wanted to stay with him so our son could see this happy life, so that he understands you find ONE person... ONE person and spend the rest of your life with them... but u know what life is never that fucking easy for me... it can never be the way i fucking want it which sucks because I'M THE ONE DRIVING BEHING THIS WHEEL AIN'T I????.... then i keep thinking about this sermen that i heard last week.... that god has a plan for us.... that he isn't trying to break my heart.... he was talking about how god gives you this warning , this sense in ur stomache or just this continious flashing light so that you move on to the happiness he has planned for you... maybe i am confused and i think I love Javier but how am I suppose to know .... i've seen the warning signs.... maybe somewhere else is someone better... is something to make me happy but idk b/c i won't give it a try... b/c i won't listen to what i know is right... maybe i'm afraid to take the chance?? I just wish it was easy to do as it is to say...

Last Nights Adventure

ughhhhh besides the fact that i can't bare this heartburn...my life is pretty... okay acutally my life sucks worse...the indigestion might be the only good thing right now....

See yesterday i woke up with some faith and energy to go to church for the first time in god knows when....

So i wake up iron my shirt and Javiers... then i'm driving down grand, the sun shining and passing all the happy church people. Grab breakfast and go to church. Church was small but very welcoming... i leave go to work and from 3-7:30 the time Javier leaves to the time i get off , im worrying but not to much not like i normally do... i take my time driving home, see his car isn't there ....hmmm pos lo yame y me dijo ke esta pescando con Manuel...pero lo ke no sabia el pendejo es ke Manuel andava en el resturante comiendo con un amigo.... cuando le dije eso el cabron me cuelgo ...... aye me puso bien pissed off.... fui a buskarlo y lo encontre afuera de la casa de Manuel en su pinshi pjs lo grite k tuvo diez minutos a ir a la casa o iba a yamar la policia.... mientras tanto cuando andava siguendolo ... yame a Manuel y le dije ke y se ke vende drogas y si encuntro Javi a su casa o no viene javi a mia ke voy a yamar la imigration y tambien la policia... pinshi pendejo....

then we get home and i am just screaming at his bitch ass... idk i went un poko crazy yesterday.... and still today idk wtf to do with his drogado ass....

QuE TE BeNdIgA DioS PuTa

So pretty much its been a good day so far, despite the fact that i've only been up roughly an hour... hahah i was having some crazy ass dreams last night. one of the craziest was that i was having an elephant for a baby lol it was fucking weird as hell. then i was dreaming about french toast mmmmmm....

So some hija de su puta madre made up a fake myspace profile "La Manzanita Vega" lol telling me some bullshit like "no fueras pendeja puta kien sabe kien es el papa de tu nino o nina"... dumb bitch at first me puso bien enojado pero ya ke pienso esa pendeja ke le vaya a la chingada... she can't even grow cahones and tell me to my face ni decirme kien es through an e-mail... if that puta writes me again im gonna say "okay mija oro por ti ya lo se ke no tienes confidente por eso me escribes dicendo tonterias... que te bendiga dios.... busca confidente" neta pinshi cabrona..