Extrando a Javier

So the weirdest thing happened last night. I was watching Joel Olsteen and as all his moving sermons, this one gave me a closer sense of god. It was talking about how god's hand is always reached out to us.. how we have to extend our hands in faith and his mighty acts of power will help us through. So i did as he had suggest last night before i went to bed and i extended out my hand, i had "Lord i'm extended out my hand to you , protect Javier, make him see whats right and help him to fight this addiction..." Then i do my usual pray routine and I start to fall asleep... then Javier calls me... : "Hi babe, sorry i didn't call you last night i was really tired [from the drive from seattle].." ....

He was really hyper last nigth maybe a little drunk from his sleeping pills... he asked to talk to the baby and so i put the phone to my pansa and cause he has one of those headphone things it was super loud..i could hear him saying "Alanzo...hi baby.. i love you baby.." lol that's the real Javier.... not the drugged out..retarded Javier.. last night for the first time in a long time... when we talked it was like old times... he said he was gonna talk to Chano and see what he had to do to get his job back...

Idk but he was a dork on the phone the whole time.. calling me "hunnie Bunnie.."lol and telling his sister to hug him so he could feel like he was hugging me... lol pretty much being his annoying self ... that i love...

After awhile his medicine sunk in and he started falling asleep and i told him i was gonna go he said "I love you babe." and I said it back ... then again he said "I love you mija.." and i said it back... he said "Give me a kiss" So i kissed the phone and said good night... and i went to bed so fucking happy... i miss him soo much...

Even the other day some fool has been trying to hit on me... i told him i love javier and that i didnt know what was goin on but he needed to know that i loved this person but we could be friends. lol then i ask him what he does for fun...

hunting fishing dancing snowboarding... lol i thought how gay...but really i guess thats manly but nothing like Javier likes.... ya lo se k mi novio es tan fresa pero por eso lo quiero... we are exactly a like and though that causes us to bump heads it also makes us BFF's... we both like shopping, dressing up, going out to eat, watching movies, being social, somos chismosos.... i dnt think i would ever want anyone else in my life... asi lo quiero mi fresito..

letter to j

what i can't say to him.

Javier,
I don;t know what to say to you right now. All those times i would yell and say "if your friends are so fucking important to you go fucking live with them" you would always stay with me, and now you have taking all your stuff and our down in the fucking dumps, living day to day for crack. Where and when will this addiction stop. When will the person i fell in love with come back to reality. Will we ever be able to fullfill the dreams you promised me.

I wish you wouldn't blame me for the things YOUR ADDICTION have made you loose. How can you not think about me or your son that is living inside of me. I have only a month left before he arrives and you have left me when i indeed need you the most. Hating you doesn't make this situation any better because at the end of the day i still love you, and this all hurts so god damn much. It's like you've died, and the last week thats honestly what you looked like, dead... the drugs have taken over you.
I love you so much it hurts to think what you are doing right now, if you've found someone else, if you hate me, or if your addiction has even convinced you that you are worthless.... that you are not... you have to get up and get help... you have to keep fighting and i will spend the rest of my life praying that god can get through to you.... i love you so much and i know it's the only way you will get better. As for me.... i need help to push foward and maybe these letters are the only way.