letter to j

what i can't say to him.

Javier,
I don;t know what to say to you right now. All those times i would yell and say "if your friends are so fucking important to you go fucking live with them" you would always stay with me, and now you have taking all your stuff and our down in the fucking dumps, living day to day for crack. Where and when will this addiction stop. When will the person i fell in love with come back to reality. Will we ever be able to fullfill the dreams you promised me.

I wish you wouldn't blame me for the things YOUR ADDICTION have made you loose. How can you not think about me or your son that is living inside of me. I have only a month left before he arrives and you have left me when i indeed need you the most. Hating you doesn't make this situation any better because at the end of the day i still love you, and this all hurts so god damn much. It's like you've died, and the last week thats honestly what you looked like, dead... the drugs have taken over you.
I love you so much it hurts to think what you are doing right now, if you've found someone else, if you hate me, or if your addiction has even convinced you that you are worthless.... that you are not... you have to get up and get help... you have to keep fighting and i will spend the rest of my life praying that god can get through to you.... i love you so much and i know it's the only way you will get better. As for me.... i need help to push foward and maybe these letters are the only way.