You Can Never Hate Someone Without Loving Them First

sometimes its so difficult being me.. constantly arguing my head with my heart..

he's left a little coke baggy in the house filled with what i'm assuming is laced marijuana...

I want to call the cops.... i want to trust them... I want to tell them to take him out of my life... but then .... i don't

But then i think.... damn how will i deliver this little boy into the world without him... How will I explain to my grandparents what's been going on the last years... how will I explain to the world how i have lived with this... b/c its not me...

on the outside i try to act tough.. prepare myself for nights like this... even to his face pretend like i don't care... but i'm crying right now... i obviously care....

I can't make my fingers dial the number, no less than i can convince my heart to leave him... does that make me weak... god please help me...

Pissed off asi como siempre

So... i'm pretty sure I hate him....ya i hate him.... But why do you ask... hmm well besides my other entries what more do i need to convince you... okay though... he just pisses me off... Why must i keep trying with him...i know he is a permanent fuck up.... sometimes i just have all these thoughts in my head like... "wtf does he give u or your son that some other man couldn't?" Honestly since i have been pregnant wtf has he done for me or my son?? Spend his money to get high on coke or mary or stay out and not come home all night... really and im sure he is cheating on me which wouldn't suprise me... at all!! Anyways ... he hasn't bought my son one damn thing, in fact all he has done was brought to my son the same thing he has brought upon me...::: PAIN::::

For some reason i wanted to stay with him so our son could see this happy life, so that he understands you find ONE person... ONE person and spend the rest of your life with them... but u know what life is never that fucking easy for me... it can never be the way i fucking want it which sucks because I'M THE ONE DRIVING BEHING THIS WHEEL AIN'T I????.... then i keep thinking about this sermen that i heard last week.... that god has a plan for us.... that he isn't trying to break my heart.... he was talking about how god gives you this warning , this sense in ur stomache or just this continious flashing light so that you move on to the happiness he has planned for you... maybe i am confused and i think I love Javier but how am I suppose to know .... i've seen the warning signs.... maybe somewhere else is someone better... is something to make me happy but idk b/c i won't give it a try... b/c i won't listen to what i know is right... maybe i'm afraid to take the chance?? I just wish it was easy to do as it is to say...

Last Nights Adventure

ughhhhh besides the fact that i can't bare this heartburn...my life is pretty... okay acutally my life sucks worse...the indigestion might be the only good thing right now....

See yesterday i woke up with some faith and energy to go to church for the first time in god knows when....

So i wake up iron my shirt and Javiers... then i'm driving down grand, the sun shining and passing all the happy church people. Grab breakfast and go to church. Church was small but very welcoming... i leave go to work and from 3-7:30 the time Javier leaves to the time i get off , im worrying but not to much not like i normally do... i take my time driving home, see his car isn't there ....hmmm pos lo yame y me dijo ke esta pescando con Manuel...pero lo ke no sabia el pendejo es ke Manuel andava en el resturante comiendo con un amigo.... cuando le dije eso el cabron me cuelgo ...... aye me puso bien pissed off.... fui a buskarlo y lo encontre afuera de la casa de Manuel en su pinshi pjs lo grite k tuvo diez minutos a ir a la casa o iba a yamar la policia.... mientras tanto cuando andava siguendolo ... yame a Manuel y le dije ke y se ke vende drogas y si encuntro Javi a su casa o no viene javi a mia ke voy a yamar la imigration y tambien la policia... pinshi pendejo....

then we get home and i am just screaming at his bitch ass... idk i went un poko crazy yesterday.... and still today idk wtf to do with his drogado ass....

QuE TE BeNdIgA DioS PuTa

So pretty much its been a good day so far, despite the fact that i've only been up roughly an hour... hahah i was having some crazy ass dreams last night. one of the craziest was that i was having an elephant for a baby lol it was fucking weird as hell. then i was dreaming about french toast mmmmmm....

So some hija de su puta madre made up a fake myspace profile "La Manzanita Vega" lol telling me some bullshit like "no fueras pendeja puta kien sabe kien es el papa de tu nino o nina"... dumb bitch at first me puso bien enojado pero ya ke pienso esa pendeja ke le vaya a la chingada... she can't even grow cahones and tell me to my face ni decirme kien es through an e-mail... if that puta writes me again im gonna say "okay mija oro por ti ya lo se ke no tienes confidente por eso me escribes dicendo tonterias... que te bendiga dios.... busca confidente" neta pinshi cabrona..

MONTOYA

Pretty mush im sick of people at work.... osea COMPLETAMENTE MOLESTA CON LA GENTE IGNORANTE!.... i was irritable before pregnancy but now everything has seemed to fucking sky rocket... which is great for all u folks, whats better than reading my sarcastic vents?

So a man comes in today, and he is one of those fucking chicanos bien orgullosa trying to show off at the resturant by saying " I have a pick up-order....... for MONTOYA" then we give him the receipt and like the Codo he is he starts complaining "oh we wanted a side burrito, not a corona burrito" and then he starts putting Zoraida down "oh she couldn't understand me cause her accent" REALLY PENDEJO DID U NOT GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL HOW COULD A FUCKING ACCENT DISABLE U FROM UNDERSTANDING SOMEONE?? see this is what pisses me off.. all these people out there trying to say they're are down for there fucking Raza....shit they are putting their own people down worse then some white people out there. Ur so mexican and proud... why do u say shit like "wetback" and shit, and make someone feel dumb that they can't speak english. There are alot of good people out there helping with the Chicano Movement and a lot of them are white, then there are a lot of our own brown people putting us down....fucking dumb ass .... anyways i wrote down his number but i better throw it away what am i gonna call and say "FUCK U MR. MONTOYA?" nope... can't do that... oh and then im getting pissy so i say a bitchy comment like "oh well if you don't feel confident talking to someone because of their accent then just ask to talk to someone who speaks english" i think it was him who didnt understand such strong words but he replied like a dumb ass "ya or i will just order in spanish..." YA BITCH IF U KNEW HOW TO...UM HELLO IF U KNOW SPANISH WHY THE FUCK WOULDN'T YOU OF DONE THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE... pinshi joto maricon... we deal with people like this daily... u wanna judge mexicans dont go to a fawkin mexican resturant putos!

Ni modo pues... besides that lil break down, things have been good... well idk i guess as good as they can get, should i really be happy that my boyfriend has went scarcely one week with out using drugs...or let me rephrase that... one week with out GETTING CAUGHT USING DRUGS?? sometimes i wonder whose dumbier him for doing the drugs or me for the length of time i've put up with it?? idk i just somedays wake up and im like damn this is what i'll be doing the rest of my pinshi life.... a la verga madre..